


How Could You Say That?

by Anonymous



Category: Original Work
Genre: Autism, Autism Spectrum, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Freeform, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Miscarriage, Narcissism, Neurodiversity, Past Child Abuse, Poetry, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-11 19:19:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15978761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Vent poem I wrote regarding my dad





	How Could You Say That?

How could you say

That the spectrum is too wide?

That the things you see 

Basically could consider you like me?

 

You don't know, so don't speak.

Why would you say that I don't have a disorder

When all your information is wrong?

 

How could you say

That I can't have autism

When you don't know that a fabric that I touch

_ Physically _ stresses me out if it feels  _ wrong. _

 

How can you think

That I'm not on the spectrum

When you have no clue that a loud room

Isn't just a headache

 

Isn't just ‘noise’

 

It's a  _ need _ to  **_scream_ ** and  **_throw yourself into the floor_ ** .

 

It's  _ begging _ the noise to  _ stop indefinitely _

It's  _ breaking down _ **_sobbing_ ** because you want to go home

 

How can you consider

Yourself to be the same

Based on something you read

About a disorder  _ you don't have _

**Just to negate what I have?**

 

You don't understand what I go through

 

You don't get to know

 

You get to ask why your kid left school before second period

Without realizing they hit their head on their desk

 

Over

And over

And over

And over

And over

And over

 

Just from  _ sound _

 

You don't bother to ask, anyways

 

It's  **_stupid_ ** to you.

 

You get to say ‘it's just anxiety’

When I panic and cry

When I scream and hit my head

All because I can't think

Over the TV.

 

You get to call it ‘my brain thinking too fast’

When my

My

My

My

M _ y _

_ My _

_ My _

_ My _

**_My_ **

**_My_ **

**_My_ **

**_My_ **

**_My_ **

 

My need to repeat gets in the way of what I say

 

Or

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


when I pause for too long.

 

No. You **_don't get to_ ** say that. Or call it. Or  **_think it out loud_ ** .

 

You get to sit there. And be your narcissistic self. And yell at me.

 

How could you say that I'm not autistic

When you don't bother to try and understand?

 

I smell candles and soap at work to calm down

I chew and suck on a rubber feather to help me focus

I have to touch clothes to make sure they feel nice before even considering them

 

I have autism.

I'm considered to be as functional as a normal person.

But when I get overwhelmed

It's different.

 

My girlfriend calls it sparking

Because I start to get snippy

 

And my other disorders spark up to join my distress.

  
  


It wouldn't be like this, if it weren't for  _ you _

 

I can't say when something upsets me, or when I want something to stop

 

So I snap

 

I yell

 

I get quiet

 

I _ scream _

 

I  **_beg for a response_ **

 

I hit

Hit

H _ it _

_ Hit _

_ H _ **_iT_ **

**_HIT HITHIT_ **

**_HITHITHITHITHITHITHIT_ **

 

**_SLAM MYSELF INTO ANYTHING_ **

 

And it was all because I couldn't speak up

 

So then I sob

 

I blame myself and say to forget it

I hate myself

I hide

 

I hurt myself to cope

Because I learned from watching you drink

To avoid communicating with your wife

 

Does she even know

That you went behind her back

Until I was five

 

To have fun

And abuse

And manipulate

_ My  _ **_mother?_ **

 

And then call her _ crazy _

And _ pretend you weren't the reason why?! _

 

She doesn't know

That my mother had to get an abortion

And that she miscarried the same day the planes hit two towers in New York nine months later

 

Because you _ had to _ **_have your fun_ **

 

You don't care about your wife

You care about having a working marriage

 

You don't talk

You let her make your children fear her

 

Your daughter doesn't talk to you

Because she knows that you're a horrible person

You _ make yourself look good _

 

And you **_fool everyone while doing so_ **

 

All you hurt know the truth

Because they grew up

 

**_Unlike you_ **

 

How could you say

That it's none of my business

That you ruined my life

That you made my mom take four bottles of Children’s Tylenol when I was three

 

That she made sure not to ruin your life with your wife

And force me to be alone without a full blooded sibling

 

How can you

That, instead of telling me why you cheated,

That you tell me about you using recreational drugs

Then ask me to get you a good pot dealer?

 

Why do you hurt everyone you know?

All you've ever met

Just to protect your reputation?

Or I should call it your false, idiotic  _ façade. _

 

My family misses me.

I miss them too.

But I can't go back.

 

Because of you.


End file.
